This is general information only. Every family situation is different. Please seek professional legal, psychological or medical advice before making decisions based on anything you read here.
When Control Follows You Into Co-Parenting
You thought separation would give you space. But somehow, your ex still has a say in everything. What the kids eat. What they wear. Who you spend time with. How you run your household.
If your co-parent tries to control decisions that are no longer theirs to make, it can feel like the relationship never really ended. The dynamic just shifted into a new arena.
You are not being dramatic. Controlling behaviour in co-parenting is real, it is exhausting, and it affects your children too. If the behaviour also includes narcissistic patterns, you may find our article on co-parenting with a narcissist helpful alongside this one.
What Controlling Co-Parenting Looks Like
Micromanaging Your Household
Telling you what the children should eat, when they should sleep or how you should discipline them during your parenting time. Your home, your rules. But a controlling co-parent does not see it that way.
Using the Children as Leverage
Threatening to withhold time with the kids, making last-minute changes to the schedule, or using handovers as an opportunity to make demands. Children should never be bargaining chips.
Monitoring and Interrogating
Asking the children detailed questions about your home, your social life or your finances. This kind of surveillance creates tension for everyone, especially the kids.
Refusing to Cooperate Unless It Is on Their Terms
Everything has to go through them. They will not agree to anything unless they came up with it first. Compromise feels one-sided because it always is.
Why It Affects You More Than You Expect
Co-parenting with a controlling person can feel just as heavy as living with one, because the control does not stop when the relationship does. You might catch yourself asking permission for things you do not need permission for. You might feel anxious every time a message comes through.
There is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way. That is what happens when someone has spent a long time making you feel like your choices are not valid. It takes time to rebuild your confidence. Be patient with yourself.
How to Manage It
Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to Them
Decide what is and is not open for discussion. Your parenting time is yours. Your household decisions are yours. You do not owe explanations for how you spend your weekends. Boundaries only work if you hold them consistently.
Communicate in Writing
Written messages create a clear record and give you time to respond without reacting emotionally. Keep messages focused on the children. If your co-parent tries to pull you into an argument, you do not have to take the bait.
Get a Clear Parenting Plan in Place
A detailed parenting plan removes ambiguity. When everything is written down, there is less room for your co-parent to reinterpret or override agreements. Mediation is a practical way to build this plan together, with a neutral third party keeping the conversation fair and structured.
Focus on What You Can Control
You cannot change your ex. But you can change how much power you give their behaviour over your day. Focus on being the calm, consistent parent your children need. That matters more than winning every battle.
It also helps to understand what not to do when co-parenting — even well-meaning parents can accidentally escalate things.
Lean on Support
Talk to friends, family or a counsellor who understands what you are going through. You do not have to process this alone.
When Control Becomes Something More Serious
If your co-parent’s controlling behaviour includes threats, intimidation, financial abuse or makes you fear for your safety, that is not just difficult co-parenting. That may be family violence. Please reach out to a family lawyer or support services for advice specific to your situation.
You Deserve to Parent Without Permission
Co-parenting with a controlling ex is exhausting. But you have more power in this situation than it might feel like right now. Clear boundaries, written agreements and the right support can help you take back control of your own parenting.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with Lisanne Iriks to talk through your situation and see if mediation could help.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does controlling co-parenting behaviour look like?
Controlling behaviour includes micromanaging your household, using children as leverage, interrogating them about your personal life, and refusing to cooperate unless every decision is theirs.
How do I set boundaries with a controlling ex?
Decide clearly what is not open for discussion, use written communication, and get a detailed parenting plan in place through mediation.
When does controlling behaviour become family violence?
If the behaviour includes threats, intimidation or makes you fear for your safety, that may constitute family violence. Please seek advice from a family lawyer or support service.