Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex

This is general information only. Every family situation is different. Please seek professional legal, psychological or medical advice before making decisions based on anything you read here.

When Every Interaction Leaves You Drained

Some co-parenting relationships are hard because of logistics. Others are hard because of the other person.

If your ex is hostile, unpredictable, manipulative or just plain difficult, co-parenting can feel like a constant emotional battle. Every text carries a hidden barb. Every handover comes with tension. Every conversation leaves you feeling worse than before.

You might have tried being the bigger person. And you are probably exhausted from the effort. You are allowed to acknowledge that this is hard — and you are also allowed to stop absorbing all of the toxicity and start protecting your own wellbeing.

What Makes a Co-Parent Toxic?

Constant Blame and Criticism

Nothing you do is ever good enough. Your parenting is criticised. Your decisions are questioned. Your character is attacked in front of the kids or behind your back.

Creating Drama Out of Nothing

Simple requests become arguments. Routine changes become power plays. A calm conversation turns hostile within minutes. It can feel like they need the conflict to function.

Using the Children

Toxic co-parents often use children as messengers, spies or emotional pawns. The children get caught in loyalty conflicts they should never have to deal with. This is closely connected to what we describe in our article on signs of a narcissistic co-parent.

Dishonesty and Broken Agreements

Plans get changed without notice. Promises get broken. Agreements only last as long as it suits them. You never feel like you can rely on anything being followed through.

Protecting Yourself Without Losing Yourself

Create Distance Without Cutting Off

You still need to communicate about the children. But you do not need to engage with everything. Respond to what is relevant. Ignore what is designed to provoke you. Keep your messages short, factual and about the kids only.

Stop Explaining Yourself

Toxic people rarely respond to reason. The more you explain, justify or defend your decisions, the more ammunition you give them. A simple “That does not work for me” is enough.

Build Predictability Into the Arrangement

A detailed parenting plan removes the grey areas that toxic co-parents thrive in. Mediation can help you create a thorough, fair plan in a setting where both voices are heard.

Protect the Kids

Your children do not need to know the details of what is happening between you and your ex. Let them feel safe, loved and free to have their own relationship with both parents. Read our full guide on helping your child through divorce or separation for more.

Take Care of Yourself

You are dealing with a lot. Make sure you have people around you who understand and support you.

When Toxic Becomes Dangerous

There is a line between difficult and unsafe. If your co-parent is threatening, violent, or engaging in behaviour that puts you or the children at risk, please seek professional help. A family lawyer or family violence support service can guide you on the safest next steps.

It Gets Easier When You Stop Trying to Change Them

The turning point for most people co-parenting with a toxic ex is the moment they stop trying to fix the other person and start focusing on what they can control — their boundaries, their responses, and the stability they create at home.

Frequently Asked Questions

What makes a co-parent toxic?

A pattern of behaviour that consistently undermines you, creates conflict, or puts children in the middle — including blame, broken agreements, and using kids as emotional pawns.

How do I stop engaging with a toxic co-parent?

Respond only to what is relevant to the children, keep responses short and factual, and avoid justifying your decisions. You do not owe explanations.

Does mediation work with a toxic co-parent?

Yes, in many cases. Mediation in Perth provides a structured environment where the mediator keeps both parties focused on the children.