The two things you are holding at once
There are two separate concerns here and it helps to name them, because when they blur together they become overwhelming.
The first is your children’s safety and wellbeing when they are in the other home. This is the practical, protective concern, and it is legitimate. And if you think your children are unsafe with the other parent then make sure you speak to a family lawyer to understand what you can do about this.
The second is your own peace, because living in a constant state of worry takes a toll that most people underestimate. The hypervigilance, the dread, the mental energy spent imagining worst cases. That is real, and it wears you down.
What tends to happen is that these two get tangled together, and the worry becomes so big it is hard to think clearly about what to actually do. Separating them helps. One is about the children and calls for structure. The other is about you and calls for support.
Focus on what you can put in place
You cannot control whether your ex drinks. You can put structure around how time with the children works so they are safe, and that is where your energy is best spent.
Clear, written arrangements help enormously here. Things like agreed expectations around care during their time. How handovers happen, maybe your ex is supervised when he or she has the children in their care. And, importantly, what the plan is if a parent is not in a fit state to have the children on a given day. Having that agreed in advance, calmly, is very different from trying to make the call in the middle of a tense moment. When it is written down, you have something to point to instead of a fight to have.
Some families build in specific supports, like a third person present at handovers, or arrangements that reduce the situations where drinking and caregiving overlap. What is right depends on your circumstances, but the principle is the same. Structure reduces uncertainty, and uncertainty is where the fear lives.
Keep a calm, factual record
Keeping a calm, factual record of what actually happens is also useful. Not to build a case out of anger, and not something to wave in your ex’s face, but so that decisions can be made on patterns rather than one bad night or one heated accusation.
A simple, unemotional note of what happened and when is far more useful than a furious message sent in the moment. It also helps you see the situation clearly, rather than through the fog of worry, which can go both ways. Sometimes the record shows things are more stable than the fear suggests. Sometimes it confirms a pattern that needs addressing. Either way, facts are steadier ground than anxiety.
Look after yourself too
You cannot pour from an empty tank. The constant vigilance is exhausting, and your children need you to be steady. Supporting yourself is not selfish. It is part of keeping them safe.
That might mean talking to someone who understands addiction and its effect on families. It might mean building a small circle of people who get it. It might simply mean giving yourself permission to not carry this alone. Whatever it looks like, protecting your own steadiness is part of the job, not a distraction from it.
This is a situation where you do not have to work it out alone. If you want help putting clear arrangements in place that account for the drinking without turning every handover into a confrontation, book a free call with our team.
If any part of this raises concerns for your immediate safety or your children’s, please contact emergency services, a lawyer or a support service in your area first.