This is general information only. Every family situation is different. Please seek professional legal, psychological or medical advice before making decisions based on anything you read here.
Good Intentions Still Lead to Mistakes Sometimes
Co-parenting is hard enough without accidentally making things worse. And even the most well-meaning parents make mistakes during separation. The emotions are big, the stakes feel high, and it is easy to let frustration drive decisions that end up hurting the very people you are trying to protect.
If you recognise yourself in any of these, do not beat yourself up. Awareness is the first step toward doing things differently. Your kids do not need a perfect parent. They need one who is willing to keep learning.
Talking Negatively About Your Co-Parent
This is the most common mistake, and one of the most damaging. When you are hurt, angry or frustrated, it is natural to want your children to understand your side. But children are not equipped to hold that information — they love both parents, and hearing one criticise the other puts them in an impossible position.
Even subtle comments count. Rolling your eyes when their other parent calls. Saying “typical” when plans change. Making jokes at their expense. Children pick up on all of it. Keep your frustrations for your support network.
Using Children as Messengers
“Tell your dad he needs to pick up the uniform.” These might seem harmless, but they put your child in the middle of adult communication and create anxiety. If you need to communicate something to your co-parent, do it directly. If direct communication is too difficult, work with a mediator to find a better system.
Competing for Your Child’s Affection
When co-parenting feels unfair, it is tempting to try to be the “fun parent” or to buy your child’s loyalty with treats or relaxed rules. But children do not need two competing parents. They need two consistent ones. The parent who holds boundaries and helps with homework might not always be the popular one — but they are building the foundation their child needs.
Refusing to Be Flexible
Sticking rigidly to every detail of the parenting plan out of principle — especially when a reasonable request is made — creates unnecessary tension. If your child wants to attend a birthday party on “their day,” consider what matters most to the child, not who wins the point.
Ignoring Your Own Wellbeing
You cannot co-parent well if you are burnt out, anxious or emotionally depleted. Ignoring your own needs does not make you a better parent — it makes you a more reactive one. Read more about how to approach this in our guide on how to survive co-parenting.
Making Big Decisions Without Consulting Your Co-Parent
Booking a holiday, changing schools, introducing a new partner, or making major medical decisions without involving your co-parent creates conflict and erodes trust. Even if your relationship is strained, major decisions about the children should be discussed. If that feels impossible, a mediator can facilitate those conversations in a structured, neutral way.
Letting Guilt Drive Your Parenting
Parenting from a place of guilt leads to overcompensating, inconsistency and difficulty holding boundaries. Your children do not need you to make up for the separation. They need you to be present, stable and honest.
Moving Forward Without Repeating the Same Patterns
Nobody gets co-parenting right all the time. What matters is that you are willing to reflect, adjust and keep your children at the centre of every decision. Understanding why co-parenting is important can also help you stay motivated on the hard days.
Book a free 15-minute consultation with Lisanne Iriks to talk through your situation and see if mediation could help.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the biggest mistake parents make when co-parenting?
Talking negatively about the other parent in front of children — even subtly — is the most common and damaging mistake. It puts children in an impossible emotional position.
Is it OK to be inflexible with the parenting plan?
Rigid inflexibility for the sake of principle creates unnecessary tension. Focus on what is best for the children, not who wins the point.
How do I stop competing with my co-parent?
Remind yourself that children need consistent parents, not competing ones. The parent who provides structure and stability is building something that lasts.