The Stages of Separation
Separation is a major life event that affects us emotionally, mentally, and physically. Going through the stages of separation can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, with each stage bringing new questions and challenges. Here, we’ll explore these stages, answering common questions and offering guidance to help you move forward with understanding and resilience.
Coping with the Initial Shock of Separation
In the early stages of separation, shock is often the first response. You might feel numb or in disbelief, and daily routines may feel surreal. This stage, known as denial, is actually a way for your mind to protect itself from the full impact of what’s happening. During this time, people often find themselves just “going through the motions,” uncertain about what to feel or think.
Shock is your brain’s way of saying, “This is too much right now.” Feeling detached or emotionally “flat” can be unsettling, but it happens at some stage. Your mind needs time to process what’s happening before deeper emotions start to surface.
To get through this stage, start by taking things one step at a time. Don’t feel pressured to immediately “move on” or “feel better.” Focus on simple self-care, like eating regularly, sleeping as well as you can, and staying hydrated. Reaching out to friends or family who are good listeners can provide the steady support needed to gradually face reality. And remember, feeling numb or confused is normal; it’s okay to take time to adjust before the emotions become clearer. Also do not think that if you got through it’ that this feeling never comes back. It is also normal that you can feel like this again. Getting through it once does not mean this feeling won’t pop up later in the process.
Managing Anger and Frustration
After the initial shock fades, it’s common to experience a surge of anger. This stage might bring intense frustration or even blame directed at your ex-partner, yourself, or just the situation as a whole. Anger often stems from feeling like life is unfair or that you’re losing control over your circumstances.
Many people are surprised by the strength of their anger during this phase, even if they aren’t typically “angry people.” This stage is sometimes accompanied by moments of resentment, where you may find yourself replaying past events and questioning who or what caused the relationship to end. This response is also normal. It’s actually part of your healing, helping you to release the pent-up energy around what’s happened.
Handling anger is important to avoid getting stuck. You don’t need to force yourself to “just get over it”—instead, find healthy ways to process it. Activities like journaling, exercising, or even talking with a therapist are effective ways to channel and express anger. Physical outlets, like running, dancing, or practising mindfulness, can also help release some of the intense energy that comes with this stage. Giving yourself permission to feel the anger, rather than burying it, can be a powerful step toward letting go. Anger is just an emotion, not necessarily a bad emotion as long as you manage it well and it does not influence how you are reacting to other people especially your ex partner. Anger will come up from time to time and it is important that you develop ways of dealing with it effectively. There are some fantastic resources available to people now in the form of education and courses. Turning Point was created to help people going through separation and find amicable ways to move forward you can learn more about this incredible course at The co-parenting Institute
Dealing with Doubts and “What-If” Thoughts
Once anger starts to subside, many people find themselves grappling with questions of “what if” and “could I have done something differently?” This bargaining stage is often filled with second-guessing and replaying moments in your mind, trying to understand what went wrong. It’s natural to wonder if things could have been different. Bargaining gives people a sense of control, even if it’s over a situation that’s already in the past.
During this stage, you might experience waves of nostalgia, as well as guilt or regret. The good memories of the relationship can seem stronger than the bad ones, making you question if separation was the right decision. This can be unsettling, but it’s part of letting go. When you’re going through this stage, remember that everyone has some doubts, especially when they’re close to something that meant a lot to them.
To help with these thoughts, it can be helpful to go over the reasons for the separation and remind yourself why it was the right decision. Reaching out to a counsellor can also help; they can provide an outside perspective and support you through this stage of self-questioning. Focus on taking care of yourself, building small goals for your day, and allowing yourself to dream of a future that’s in line with who you are today.
Moving Through Sadness and Grief
Most people go through a period of sadness and grief at some point during the separation. It’s common to feel the weight of everything that’s been lost—the relationship, the future you imagined, shared dreams, and even shared routines. This sadness is a natural part of the process, as you’re coming to terms with the full reality of the separation. Your whole life and the lives of your children is upside down and not how you expected it to go.
Grieving a relationship is a lot like grieving any loss. People often go through waves of sadness, loneliness, or emptiness, and some may feel uncertain about whether they’ll ever truly feel “better.” It’s normal to feel stuck or even overwhelmed at times. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without trying to “snap out of it.” Suppressing sadness usually prolongs the pain; acknowledging it can actually help you heal.
This is a good time to reach out to others for support, whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist who understands what you’re going through. Support groups can also be helpful, as they connect you with people who are facing similar experiences. Practising self-kindness and accepting that healing takes time can be a big help as you go through this stage.
Finding Acceptance and Looking Forward
Acceptance is the stage where you start to feel a sense of peace with what’s happened. You may not be “over it” or completely unaffected, but you’re ready to start living in a way that isn’t constantly focused on the past. Acceptance doesn’t mean the pain or sadness disappears; instead, it means you’re starting to look forward and are more open to the possibilities in front of you.
This stage often brings a sense of relief and renewed energy. You may start focusing on what brings you joy, reconnecting with old hobbies, or even exploring new ones. As you let go of past memories, the future can start to feel brighter and more exciting. Some people find new confidence in this stage, ready to build a life that reflects their own goals and values.
Acceptance also allows you to find closure, as you’re no longer tied to the past. Setting small, realistic goals can be empowering—whether it’s focusing on personal health, social connections, or simply having fun. Remember that your future is yours to shape.
How long will it last?
How long will each stage last? Each stage can vary from person to person. Some move through them in weeks or months, while others take longer. It’s also normal to revisit certain stages, especially as new life events bring up fresh memories or emotions. Everyone’s timeline is different, and it’s okay to take things at your own pace and in your own sequence. Life is not linear and your healing and how you move forward will look different from anyone else.
How can I help my children during separation? Separation affects children, too. Keeping routines steady, talking to them openly (in an age-appropriate way), and reassuring them of both parents’ love can make a big difference. Encourage them to express their feelings, and let them know they aren’t alone. Do not talk badly about the other parent or have conflict in front of the children. All that does is confuse and unsettle the children while they are trying to get used to a new situation.
Should I seek professional help? Therapy can be a huge support, especially if you’re feeling “stuck” in any stage. A counsellor can offer tools to understand your emotions and help you move forward.
Separation is a journey, but each stage can lead to growth and self-discovery. By moving through each phase, you can find new strength and prepare for a bright new chapter. Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and trust that peace will come with time.
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