Can I Be Friends with My Ex?
It’s a question that comes up a lot, especially after the dust settles from a breakup. Can you actually be friends with someone you once loved, argued with, built a life with and now are separated from? If you share kids, is friendship even possible, or just a nice idea that doesn’t hold up in real life?
The short answer? It depends.
The long answer? Well, that’s a bit more complicated.
Some people manage to pull it off. They co-parent smoothly, go to family events together, even sit next to each other at school concerts without it feeling awkward. Others can barely stand to be in the same room, let alone build a friendship. A lot of people fall somewhere in between—wanting things to be civil but struggling with old wounds, new partners, and the reality that just because you share kids doesn’t mean you share the same vision for the future.
So, how do you figure out if being friends is realistic? And if it is, how do you make it work without losing your mind?
1. What Kind of Breakup Was It?
Not all breakups are created equal. Some relationships slowly fizzle out, and by the time you separate, you’re more like distant roommates than partners. Other breakups are explosive, full of betrayal, hurt, or resentment that doesn’t just go away because the relationship is over.
Think about how things ended.
- Was there a deep betrayal? If so, friendship might feel impossible—or at least, something that takes a long time to build.
- Did you drift apart naturally? If the split was mutual and there’s still basic respect, friendship could be an option.
- Are there lingering feelings? If one of you still has hope of getting back together, trying to be friends will only cause more pain.
Honesty matters here. If the thought of your ex dating someone new makes you feel sick, you might not be ready to be friends just yet. And that’s okay. It does not mean you cannot be friends later or just really good co-parents. You don’t have to be best friends to do a good job at co-parenting.
2. What Does “Friendship” Actually Mean?
Sometimes when people say “Can we be friends?” What they might mean is, “Can we still talk all the time and lean on each other emotionally like we used to?” And that’s where things could get messy.
A true friendship with an ex is different from a relationship in disguise. If you’re hoping to be their go-to person while they move on, or if you still expect them to prioritise you the way they once did, that’s not friendship. That’s holding on.
A healthy friendship with an ex—especially if you have kids—might look more like:
- Being able to have a normal, polite conversation without tension.
- Feeling comfortable at family events without avoiding each other.
- Communicating about the kids without it turning into an argument.
- Respecting each other’s new relationships.
- Being able to go out for dinner together with the kids on their birthday without any problems.
- Helping each other out when needed.
If your version of friendship means still checking in on each other every day, venting about your problems, or expecting emotional support like you used to, it’s probably not real friendship—it’s an extension of the old relationship.
3. If You Have Kids, It’s Not Just About You
Co-parenting changes everything. You don’t have the luxury of just cutting ties and never speaking again. Like it or not, you’re in each other’s lives for the long haul. And if you want to make things easier for your kids, having some level of friendship—or at least mutual respect—can make a huge difference. But you don’t have to be friends to be great co-parents. You can keep things just about the kids and don’t go for coffees or have shared birthdays together and still communicate well with each other and have a good co-parenting relationship. Don’t feel you have to be friends to make sure that your kids don’t suffer.
This is where mediation can help.
If emotions are still raw, or if communication has been difficult, mediation can set the groundwork for a healthier dynamic. It’s not about forcing a friendship, but about learning how to interact in a way that doesn’t create stress for your kids and for your both.
Through mediation, you can:
- Set boundaries around communication so it stays productive.
- Agree on parenting decisions without power struggles.
- Work through unresolved issues in a structured way.
Friendship might not happen overnight, but a functional, peaceful co-parenting relationship can lay the foundation for it over time.
4. What About New Partners?
This is where things get tricky.
It’s one thing to try and be friendly with your ex when it’s just the two of you. It’s another when a new partner enters the picture.
Some people are totally ok with new partners entering the scene. Others struggle—especially if the breakup was recent or if the new relationship moved fast. Even if you’re over your ex romantically, it can be strange to see them build a new life with someone else. And if the new partner is around your kids? That brings up a whole other set of emotions.
So, how do you handle it?
- Accept that feeling weird about it is normal. You don’t have to pretend you’re thrilled—just focus on being respectful.
- Avoid comparing yourself to the new partner. They are not replacing you. Your role as a parent is solid.
- If things are serious, acknowledge them. You don’t have to be best friends, but a simple “Nice to meet you” can go a long way in keeping things civil.
- If boundaries are needed, set them early. For example, if you’re uncomfortable with the new partner disciplining your child, that’s something that should be discussed—not ignored until it turns into a blow-up.
At the end of the day, your child is watching how you handle this. If they see you being bitter, resentful, or making things difficult, they will feel that tension. If they see you being calm and mature, it makes everything easier for them.
5. If Friendship Isn’t Possible, Respect Is Still an Option
Not everyone can be friends with their ex. And that’s okay.
Some breakups leave too much damage. Some people just aren’t capable of a healthy friendship. And sometimes, keeping your distance is the best way to move forward.
But even if friendship isn’t realistic, basic respect should be.
That means:
- No badmouthing each other to the kids.
- No passive-aggressive jabs during drop-offs.
- No dragging old fights into new conversations.
- No making life harder just for the sake of it.
You don’t have to be friends to be decent to each other.
So, Can You Be Friends with Your Ex?
Maybe. Maybe not.
If the breakup was mutual, if old wounds have healed, and if both of you can move forward without holding onto the past, then yes—friendship might be possible.
If there’s still hurt, resentment, or blurred lines, forcing a friendship could do more harm than good.
The real question isn’t can you be friends. It’s should you?
If friendship adds to your life instead of taking from it, then great. But if staying close keeps you stuck in the past, or if it makes new relationships harder, you don’t owe your ex a friendship just because you share a history.
What matters most is peace. Whether that comes in the form of friendship, co-parenting respect, or simply keeping things civil enough to get through family events without tension, do what’s best for your wellbeing—and for your kids.
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