Trying to co-parent with someone you fight with all the time can feel so overwhelming and difficult and asking that person to mediate in a constructive way might feel like something that is not possible. But there are ways to do it that make it much more likely that your ex will say yes to talking to you about the children with a mediator there.
So, how do you convince your ex to come to the table?
First, drop the word “convince”
Trying to convince someone can feel like a power play. And power plays are exactly what mediation is meant to avoid, plus people do not like to be told what to do so that normally does not work. Instead of saying, “You need to do this,” try this: “I want us to have a better way to talk about the kids without it turning into World War III every time we talk. Mediation might help with that.”
See the shift? It’s collaborative, not confrontational.
Try to plant seed while speaking to your ex. He or she might not be interested at first but they might change their mind.
Sarah and Dave were a couple from Perth who split after 12 years together. They had two boys, aged 7 and 10, and couldn’t agree on anything post-separation. Dave was dodging calls, Sarah was screenshotting texts for court. It was messy.
When Sarah floated mediation, Dave scoffed: “What, so some stranger can tell me how to be a dad?”
But Sarah didn’t push and said you have to do this. Instead, she sent him a link to a short video on family mediation from the mediator that she wanted to use, and said: “I’m just asking you to watch this and think about what would make life easier for them—our boys.” A week later, Dave called back and said, “Alright, let’s try one session.” He had time to do his own research, think about it and get his head around what mediation is and how it could help the kids who they both love dearly.
Sometimes it’s not about changing their mind on the spot—it’s planting a seed.
Think about what matters to your ex. Are they big on fairness? Emphasise that mediation lets both sides be heard. Are they terrified of court (most people are)? Mention that mediation is cheaper, faster, and a whole lot less soul-destroying and can help you to avoid court.
You could say something like:
“I’ve been reading about mediation—it’s basically us talking things out with a neutral person instead of spending thousands dragging this through lawyers.”
You’re not trying to manipulate, just framing it in a way that speaks to their logic and their fears and is true.
Whatever you do, try and avoid blaming your ex. That just does not work. This can be really hard especially if your ex ghosted the parenting plan, forgot a birthday, or brought their new partner to school pick-up three minutes after the break-up. But starting with “You never…” or “You always…” is a one-way ticket to them tuning out.
Instead of “You never listen to me about the kids,” try:
“I know we see things differently, and I think that’s why a third person might be able to help us actually get somewhere.”
Tell your ex that mediation isn’t about rehashing the past—it’s about creating a plan for the future.
Share the benefits for you both with your ex. Remind your ex (and maybe yourself) that mediation isn’t about “winning.” It’s about creating something workable. A parenting plan can help you both avoid endless texts arguing over who’s got the kids on Easter Sunday or what time drop-off is next Friday.
Drawing up a parenting plan, while it is not legally binding, provides a framework clarity, and can be a massive help to create space between you and avoid conflict.”
That framework might be the one thing that keeps your children from feeling like a football in the middle of your turf war.
But what can you do if your ex is a flat no and just does not want to do mediation? You can start the process anyway. You can go to a mediator and start the process. The mediator will invite your ex in for mediation. Sometimes getting the official invite that states that you get a certificate to go to the family court if they do not participate is what someone needs to decide to engage in mediation. Or when they get the invite they might get legal advice and their lawyer can explain the benefits of mediation which might make your ex change your mind. Or just getting a formal invitation in general can make it feel more urgent for people to attend.
If your ex still does not want to mediate after getting an invitation for mediation and you think it is crucial to get agreements in place then you can get the certificate and go to court. Lodge the paperwork. What I say to my clients is ‘ know that when you go to court that you do not have to stay there’. Your ex might decide that he or she does want to mediate after you have lodged your court paperwork. Court takes a while so ask yourself what you have to lose by attending mediation. It does not mean you have to stop the legal process. What you can do is attend mediation and if you get to agreements you let the court know and dismiss the proceedings. If you cannot agree in mediation then you can keep going with what you are doing before and let the court know that you have tried to mediate in the meantime when you get an opportunity to do so. This is obviously not legal advice and just general information so make sure you check with a legal professional what is right for you and your specific circumstances.