How Should I Tell My Spouse That I Want to Separate?

Deciding to separate from your spouse is not an easy and it can be daunting to have the conversation with your partner. While it may feel overwhelming, having the conversation in a respectful and considered way can make a difficult process more manageable. At Life Mediation, we see  firsthand how a thoughtful approach  can reduce conflict after separation and set the stage for better outcomes.

Here are some practical steps and tips for handling this sensitive conversation.

Be Sure of Your Decision

Before initiating the conversation, take time to reflect on your reasons for wanting to separate. Are you certain this is the right path for you? Have you sought professional help, such as counselling to explore all options? I am not trying to convince you not to separate, however you do not want to make this decision on a wim and when you are feeling emotional after a fight. Make this decision when you are in a good headspace and you have had the time to think it through by yourself or with help of a professional. Once you’re confident in your decision, plan how to communicate it clearly and compassionately.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Timing and environment matter. Avoid bringing up separation during an argument, stressful situations, or when there’s no privacy. If you have children make sure that they are not around. This is not scenario that you want your children to walk into as you both might get very emotional. Choose a quiet, neutral setting where you won’t be interrupted by children, family, or work commitments. It’s a conversation that you do not want to rush and you want to set the scene so there is space to have this conversation properly. 

For example, you might say, “Can we sit down and talk about something important this evening? I have organised the children to stay at my sister’s place so we have time and space to talk. 

Be Honest but Kind

It’s important to be direct while remaining kind and compassionate. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings and avoid placing blame. For example:

• “I feel like we’ve grown apart, and I think separating may be the best step forward for both of us.”
• “I’ve been struggling, and I believe we need to talk about separation.”

Avoid accusatory phrases like, “You never listen to me” or “This is your fault.” Placing blame can escalate emotions and lead to unnecessary conflict. Instead, focus on how you feel and what you need moving forward.

Prepare for Their Reaction

Hearing that a partner wants to separate can be shocking and painful, even if it’s not entirely unexpected. Be prepared for a range of emotions—anger, sadness, denial, or even silence. It’s natural for your spouse to need time to process the news.

Try to remain calm and empathetic during their response. Phrases like, “I know this is hard to hear, and I don’t want to hurt you,” can help reassure them that your intention is not to cause pain to them or the children and that you hope to work together to make the separation even though it is hard the easiest as possible for everyone. 

Focus on Practical Next Steps

While emotions may run high, offering some clarity about the next steps can be helpful. Be mindful that you might have been thinking about separating for a while and you had time to process. Your partner, even when they might have seen it coming, might feel like they have been hit over the head with a brick and they need time to process. Don’t expect your partner to be able to say what they want to happen with the kids and your finances they have just been told you are separating. Indicate to him or her that there are lots of practical issues to sort out but that you can talk about that in the next couple of days so that it does not have to be done today.  WHen you have that conversation after a couple of days, tell your ex that it would be helpful to make short term agreements and that the long term agreements can wait. Who is going to live where, how will you pay for everything and when and how will you tell the children? Negotiate about how you both want the process to unfold so you do not get in conflict about it.  If you cannot agree  you might suggest getting help from a mediator  to help you both navigate decisions about living arrangements, finances, and parenting responsibilities in the short term or long term. Having agreements in place helps to reduce or eliminate conflict as you all know where you stand and it provides the kids with security as well.  

For example, you could say: “I think mediation might help us work through what happens next and ensure we both feel heard.”

Consider the Children

If you have children, their well-being should be central to your discussions. Plan how and when you’ll tell them together and avoid involving them in conflict.  Separation is not fun for anyone, including the children but it does not have to be harmful. How you manage your separation will dictate how much your kids are impacted. Research shows that separation itself is not harmful but ongoing conflict is. Children need reassurance that both parents love them and will continue to care for them and that you as parents will work it out and that they do not have to worry. 

If you need help with your discussions involve a  mediator who  can guide you in developing child-focused plans that prioritise stability and minimise harm.

Seek Support for Yourself

Separation is not easy, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Speaking with a therapist and  a  trusted friend can provide you with emotional and practical support during this time. Taking care of yourself will help you remain calm and grounded as you move through this challenging process. 

Think about ways that you can fill your cup and care for yourself and plan those activities in. Sometimes as a parent in crisis it might feel selfish. But think of it this way if you are not putting on your oxygen mask you cannot help your children. If you feel overwhelmed and stressed you will not be able to have constructive conversations with your ex partner and so on. Looking after yourself is paramount so please make time for it.  It is not selfish, it is essential. 

If you children are struggling think of having them speak to a professional as well. It is great for kids to talk to someone who is not their mum or dad who they can speak freely to.

Contact Us:

📞 Phone: (08) 6219 3679
📍 Location: Perth, WA (in-person, online, and phone services available)